Friday, May 15, 2009

Let's Talk About Growths...

Not growth, growthS. Like the ones you and I are getting in places you don't want to discuss? New ones every year? It may be hairs, it may be age spots, but this little essay will focus on: skin tags. TAGS? Who named them TAGS? OK, I guess it is like a tag, but with no price on it...and you don't get a new pair of shoes.

So I go into the doc to get a "weird looking freckle" taken care of with the laser. "While we're at it, can you zap these things, too?" pointing to the little growths on my neck. He said, "Sure. Lean back."

First he puts metal eyewear over my eyes (like the suntan booth). The doc, hovering over me from above my head, says, "OK you'll see a flash." Poof. No pain, all done with the freckle. Eyewear comes off. I'm thinking, "Don't we have to do the little things on my neck?"

Then while sitting there, he leans over with these pinchy scissors, grabs onto one of those little suckers, and says, "You'll feel a little nick."

Then I saw this huge scalpel come over my head towards my jugular, (probably not that big)... and s-l-i-c-e! HOLY $HIT! I was not ready for that, but probably better that I wasn't given time to mentally prep.

He proceeded with the other few growing along my collarbones. So I pretended not to be phased. He finished up, well, everything he could see anyhow. I sat up and said, "How do you get these little things?"

"Oh, (blah, blah, blah, blah)...and people get them along their neck, armpits and under the breast area. Neck looks good...Did we get everything?"

Right then and there I thought to myself, "Dude, you have no idea where I've got these things. And you ain't going near that one growing like a mushroom in a dark place under my boob."

So now I have a beautiful neck sans the mushroom growths. I read online how to remove the things yourself. I'm contemplating surgery in the bathroom ... I think I will hold off on that one for now.

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